


Useless

by deathbyfanfiction



Category: Shadowhunters (TV), The Shadowhunter Chronicles - All Media Types
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Bows & Arrows, Canon-Typical Violence, Clary's coming back y'all, Good Parent Maryse Lightwood, He's not my fave but, Hurt Alec, M/M, POV Magnus, Panicking Magnus, Someone give Jace a hug, Temporary Minor Character Death, Though not in this fic, please, spoilers for S03E10
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-20
Updated: 2019-02-18
Packaged: 2019-05-09 03:55:23
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 7
Words: 10,192
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14708600
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/deathbyfanfiction/pseuds/deathbyfanfiction
Summary: Ten seconds too late, and Alec pays for the delay.Ten seconds ended up the difference between a shattered wrist and an arrow through the chestMagnus faces a fatally wounded Alexander with no magic, no phone and no one around. And there's not a thing he can do





	1. Paralysis

“Stay with me”

 

Honestly it hadn’t really sunk in yet. One moment of paralysis after turning that corner and before getting to Alexander hadn’t been enough for Magnus’ brain to really understand what was happening here.

 

Fresh from the hellfire of Edom, stepping into the cold Brooklyn night air was almost a relief, if not for the battleground waiting for him at the end of the street. Though quiet and unsuspecting, Magnus knew exactly which building the target for the final showdown was. He may have been stripped of his magic, but his father had a deal to uphold, and he could feel a force pulling him to where he needed to be. To the Owl.

 

It wasn’t painful exactly, the extraction process. He’d expected losing the essence of his being to hurt as it was spliced from his soul. But it was more seeping than burning, more draining than agonising. He got to watch as Asmodeus drew the blue sparks from his chest, the light dancing from his fingers and the yellow melting from his eyes.

 

He’d almost said no. No one would have expected a warlock to make this call and choose the will of the Shadowhunters. It would have been so easy to retreat, write it off as a failure and go back to Alec claiming he’d done all he could, but Asmodeus was not to be reasoned with.

Or not go back at all and never have to face the choice he’d made to damn a part of Alec’s soul. It took just two months for him to fall so far and he knew his life would have been a lot easier if he’d stayed away from that damned wedding.

 

But he would never go back and change it. No matter what had happened to lead them here those mere weeks with Alec had made him remember a person he’d thought was lost long ago. For the first time in centuries he’d let someone close and even knowing the pain it would cause when it was over, he couldn’t bring himself to pull out of this tailspin into infatuation; future Magnus would hate him but right now Alec was worth it.

 

It was Alec that made the decision for him in the end.

 

He’d looked so lost when he’d said on the balcony that killing Jace was the only option. Determined, ever the soldier, but the despair was written all over him, in his clipped words and in the haste to turn his back like that would hide the tears in his eyes from Magnus. The offer was out of Magnus’ mouth before his brain caught up with his tongue and the hope of Asmodeus couldn’t be rescinded now it was out there.

 

So he made the deal. The expulsion of the owl for Magnus’ magic. A decision he would have to deal with for the rest of his now mortal life.

 

A decision that seemed meaningless while holding Alec’s hand in the dust of this New York alleyway.

 

The fireball that he had thrown at the man holding the arrow in his lover’s chest was moulded from rage. A torture a thousand times worse than the loss of his powers lay on the ground 10 metres away from him with only the owl between them.

 

That son of a bitch was dead.

 

Magnus didn’t have the mental capacity to spare a thought for the fact that this spell would be the last time he would ever wield magic, this destructive force powerful enough to tear the hold of a greater demon was the last trace he would leave on this world. He couldn’t even watch as the creature writhed and perished within Jace.

 

He was paralysed.

 

The universe narrowed to Alexander. Not for the first time, but never before like this. He was down, sprawled out on his back on the concrete. The arrow lodged in him shook and trembled with every short, shaky breath. No.

Someone always gets there in time. A last-minute save is the reason they’re all still alive, one way or another. This time that had been Magnus’ job. He’d spent 10 seconds too long wrestling with the decision in and it may just have cost Alec’s life. This isn’t real.

 

Maybe Asmodeus knew that his portal would arrive just a fraction too late, but Magnus wasn’t letting anyone share the blame on this one. Of course Alec would be the one to volunteer to handle Jace. Magnus never doubted that the Lilith’s power, even diluted in the human vessel, was strong enough to tear Alec apart with a flick of the wrist if she so chose, but never truly considered the possibility.

 

Besides, Alec would never have let it stop him from going after his parabati and Magnus didn’t want to say the words out loud: ‘She’ll kill you like a bug’, ‘You won’t stand a chance’, ‘There’s no use’, it would all have fallen on deaf ears. Alec must have known it all though, and chosen to go anyway. So was the nature of their bond.

 

The nature of Alec.

 

“Tell me Jace isn’t worth it” Magnus had asked and got a downcast gaze in return. Alec was ashamed, what he was requesting of Magnus had a weight that words couldn’t articulate, to go to hell, to ask a favour from his estranged father of hundreds of years, to be ready to risk the terrible price that would surely be asked of him, it was no surprise he couldn’t bring himself to look him in the eye.

 

Magnus had made his peace with the bond between the brothers. They were family. Alec would ask the same for Izzy, Max, even Maryse. So as he turned to face the fires, he didn’t feel anger or rejection, because this was his plan, he was going to see it through, for Alec. Always for Alec.

 

It was only when was pulled away by the hand gripping the crook of his arms that he saw on his face what he knew Alec was feeling; terror. The exterior of a commander at war, doing whatever he could to preserve the most life, with all his training of all his years couldn’t stand the sight of his love walking over that pentagram and he let himself break for just a minute.

 

“You’re gonna make it back” He said, like that was enough

 

“Why wouldn’t I?” The warlock replied with a smile, his hand coming to rest on a runed neck, thumb caressing skin. “Look what I have waiting for me”

 

And with that kiss, Alec leaning down to press their lips together, a closeness that in the last few weeks had evaded them between the fights, the insecurities, the constant danger, was restored for an instant. Time was short, flames burned behind them but they stayed, savouring each other’s touch, their warmth and the feel of their skin, stretching the seconds behind closed eyes. Magnus had to pull away or he might never have been able to.

 

“I love you Alexander” He’d said as the flames licked his waistcoat. A prince of hell, descending to Edom, his demon blood as clear as day and the Shadowhunter still replied,

 

“I love you too”

 

Now there are worse last words a couple can exchange. But as these were not going to be last words, it was a moot point.

 

 

The paralysis broke, Jace’s screams muted in the buzzing in Magnus’ ears as he fell a little in his effort to get to Alec’s side. 

 

 

Alexander.

 

Oh God.

 

“Stay with me” he whispered. He pleaded on his knees. Gently, he cupped Alec’s neck, needing to touch him. He was surprised how calm his voice sounded, with his lungs feeling so empty of air and heart hammering so fast he could hear it over the cries of a dying demon. Alec made him strong.

 

Even now, his baby was hiding his pain to protect Magnus. He couldn’t breathe, every feeble attempt at an inhalation choked off by the metal carving through his thorax, but his eyes were firmly locked on Magnus, with such intensity reserved only for a last stand. They gripped each other while Alec tried to manage the pain alone, without his parabati, without the aid of magic. Alone.

 

He was trying to use Magnus as a fixed point, some strong figure that would get him through but how could he, when Magnus was shattering a little more each second. Everything he’d done, all that he’d risked, all that he’d given, and yet they still ended up here. What was the use of saving that piece of Alec’s soul if it cost his life? All this had been to protect him, how could he have lost it all and not even have shielded Alexander?

 

"Fix him" blondie begs. Magnus can’t even think about a sarcastic comment like, he’d just been waiting for the command to get to work, and settles for a plain, ‘I can’t’.

 

“I traded my magic to break Lilith’s hold on you” He says, not holding blame in his tone but knowing Jace would realise the implication immediately, that Alec was dying because of him for two reasons now. He spares Jace a glance to see his face crumple even more. How he’s ever going to recover from the horror he’s seen his own two hands wreak upon innocents and the people who love him, Magnus doesn’t know. If they lose anyone else tonight Jace would never forgive himself.

 

To lose Alec may kill him.

 

Through the guilt, Jace jerks onto his knees and reaches for his pocketed stele, knowing it was there even if he doesn’t know why Lilith would have let him keep it. He draws a crude iratze over Alec’s heart, though Magnus knows he’s kidding himself to hope for any kind of improvement other maybe than a little pain relief.

 

It works just a bit, and Alec lets out the fullest breath Magnus has heard since he arrived. He takes a second to take a breath as well, trying to remind himself that the respite will be short. That stick of Adamas is a wondrous creation but it cannot repair a punctured lung.

 

And of course, he uses the words that the rune allows for to speak to Jace.

 

“It wasn’t you” he grits past his clenched jaw, fighting through his pain to try to reassure his brother.

 

Still frozen, Magnus could always marvel at how Alec’s selflessness extends even to the brink of death. No one but Jace would ever think of this as being anyone’s fault except Lilith’s, but to be able to think clearly enough to know how vital it would be to Jace to hear it from Alec’s mouth, no matter how many times, that his brother didn’t blame him was the quality of a saint.

 

The seconds had never passed so slowly, and Magnus had lived through a lot of seconds. Alec was fading too quickly and Jace was as useless as him at doing anything to stop it. With all the days of possession, he was completely shot, the mental drain was taking its toll and he wasn’t doing as well at hiding his breaking down as Magnus (quite reasonably), but it wasn’t doing any of them any good.

 

“I’ll take care of him” he promised, giving Jace permission to get out.

 

Maybe Jace could save someone else’s life tonight, and while that would put but a nick in the insurmountable guilt, it had to be better to be out there fighting for his family that helplessly watching the life drain from Alec by his hand. It was a testament to Jace’s fear that that was all it took. He handed over his stele, a symbolic gesture as the tool was as good as a piece of broken granite in the hands of a downworlder, and with a nod of permission from Alec, grabbed onto the last part of his life that he had the chance to save, Clary

 

And then there were two


	2. Panic

“Hey, Alexander, shhhhh” Magnus cooed. “Look at me. Keep your eyes on me okay?” He’d had to release Alec’s one good hand to hold the stele, but the other hand was still holding his head off the ground. The only thing stopping him from pulling him completely onto his lap was fear of the arrow moving position and hurting him more.

 

400 years had taught him only so much about the art of medicine without magic.

 

His powers had always directed him to the best course of action, being led by the magic as much as him directing it. The ebbing and flowing of power was the only thing he’d ever needed to consider when healing, it would lead him true to exactly which tissue needed knitting back together, or which fluid needed draining. He didn’t even need his eyes, so internal wounds were dealt with in just the same way as superficial.

 

Now though, the map he’d always gone by had just disappeared. Even with his limited knowledge, so fresh after having lost his abilities, and in such emotional compromise, he didn’t even want to guess at what action needed to be taken. Don’t remove the arrow, it’s plugging the arteries, that’s all he knew for sure, and even that was hazy – is it better to remove it to drain the fluid on the lung so he doesn’t drown?

 

This is when you need a Catarina.

 

Magnus screwed up his eyes anew. Fire messages weren’t an option anymore, and he hadn’t been kidding about the terrible cell service in Edom, it being hell and everything, so there had been no need to carry his mobile. There was no way of reaching her.

 

A fresh wave of panic rushed him. What the hell was he meant to do. No warlock would help him thanks to Lorenzo, any Shadowhunter near enough to hear him screaming would be busy with Lilith and her spawn, no magic, no cell phone and no medical training. He was Alec’s last hope and there was nothing for him to give.

 

He could feel his own chest tightening as that sunk in. His eyes burned with tears. Looking frantically around him, he could see nothing but sides of buildings. The mundanes had cleared out, Izzy and Luke must have come up with a way to get them all away from the shadow world battle they were getting ready for. He knew the last road was a few rows of houses away and it had been pretty deserted when he’d walked past it anyway. There was no one coming to save them.

 

“Mag-nus” Alec rasped out.

 

Magnus didn’t look back right away. He didn’t know if he could. He’d failed him.

 

But when Alec moved to lift his hand to get his attention, it did the job. Magnus frowned deeply and dropped the stele to grab the offending limb. He let himself grip hard, they both needed the grounding. He still couldn’t speak though. His brow furrowed as his tears got the better of his willpower and one ran down his cheek. Another followed soon after, and both dropped onto Alec’s chest, mixed immediately with the blood there. He had no hands free to wipe them away.

 

“I’m… so. Sorry” Alec managed. He seemed alert, and despite the pain, and held Magnus with an intense gaze, taking in the anguish on his face. His grip was weak but his fingers were definitely still curled around Magnus.

 

“You have nothing to be sorry for my angel” Magnus spoke softly in return. He even managed a smile at his own pet name. “We got Jace back. Without her owl, and against your Shadowhunters, Lilith will be dead before sunrise. We did it.”

 

Alec didn’t smile, or even acknowledge the reassurance. It would have been so easy to just accept what Magnus was saying, to just pretend it was all going to be okay but he knew they were empty words. A Queen of hell against 4 twenty something year olds and Luke were not promising odds. Magnus’ weak grin fell once more.

 

“Look… Look after them” Alec asked, finally a shake in his voice that wasn’t from the wound, one that was from fear.

 

“No, Alec,”

 

“And let them… Let them look… after you” He finished, eyes drooping as the last words left his lips, like his final deed was done. Ensuring everyone was accounted for, even in death.

 

With no plan other than to pray for a miracle, all Magnus could do was going to be to keep him awake.

 

“Alec. Alexander don’t you dare.” He said, shaking the man’s shoulder as he did. The eyes opened again and Magnus could see how much effort it took to try and focus them. “Alec you have to fight.” He asked, selfishly.

 

“Don’t cry” Alec whispered. Hypocrite. Tears were making tracks down his own face, running over his temples and into his hair as he lay. It hurt. The adrenaline was long gone and his muscles were tired from the fight. Everything was tired.

 

With a breath of air that was meant to have been a laugh, Magnus wiped away both of their tears with his ringed fingers, and brought their interlocked hands to his lips, and just let them rest there.

 

“…Love you”

 

Magnus squeezed his eyes shut at how small the voice sounded. The breaths came slower now, and shallower still. It couldn’t be over. If he said it back it would mean it was over. That would be giving up.

 

“Please don’t leave me Alec” he begged quietly against the back of Alec’s hand. He was seconds from sobbing outright. To hell with being strong. “Please just a few more minutes. Please. They’ll come for us. Hold on, come on”

 

His eyes fluttered shut. The rise and fall of his chest was barely there at all. So, Magnus did the only thing he could think of.

 

He screamed.

 

He screamed for Izzy. For Clary. For Jace. He prayed someone would hear. Even a mundane. He screamed for help and Alec hardly stirred. He couldn’t leave, he wouldn’t let Alec die alone, but someone had to hear him. He wouldn’t even be able to do chest compressions because of the arrow. They had minutes.

 

There was nothing but Alec, so he couldn’t really be blamed for not hearing the footsteps approaching. It’s not like he was in a state to defend him and Alec if the intent had been hostile. Thank the Angel, it was not.

 

“MAGNUS” a voice was yelling next to him. He thinks his name has been repeated a few times now but he couldn’t hear for all this water in his ears. He couldn’t understand. He kept holding Alec’s hand, the returning grip getting looser… looser…

 

There were hands on his face now, angling his gaze towards

 

Maryse

  
Someone was here

 

“Alec” he moaned at her, vision swimming behind the tears. Maryse nodded, expression frantic, but ready to command or obey where needed, a soldier just like her son.

 

“Tell me what you need” she asked quickly. After a second’s thought, she offered her hand, “take my strength”

 

Maryse Lightwood offering her power to a Downworlder at the risk of her vulnerability, he never thought he’d see the day. Even if he'd had his magic, if the problem had been his exhaution, her now mundane energy would not have been enough, but luckily, she’d never have to know that.

 

“I can’t” he bit out, and Maryse’s fingers curled back in confusion. There was no time to explain. “Your phone” he said, raising his palm to receive it, shaking it in the air when Maryse took too long to comply. Relinquishing his hold on Alec’s neck, he sat back on his ankles as he dialled Cat’s cell.  He could hear Maryse’s murmurs of comfort to her son over the dull dial tone.

 

“Hello?” Cat’s voice came clear over the speaker, and Magnus broke a bit more on hearing it.

 

“Cat.”

 

“Magnus? What’s happened?” She replied urgently, recognising Magnus’ single word as the cry for help it was. He took a shaky breath as far as he could.

 

“It’s Alec. He needs you, I… I can’t do it Cat. Please you have to get here now” He choked, his usual eloquence and grace a world out of reach.

 

“Where are you?” She asked gravely. Lorenzo had been forgotten or just ignored, Magnus was unspeakably grateful either way. He had no idea of the address but rattled off what Maryse was saying opposite him, her having been listening and paying attention despite the situation before her. Bless the Shadowhunters and their constant vigilance.

 

Before Magnus had even put the phone back in Maryse’s hand, sparks flew out from the ring forming at the end of the road, and he had to wait precious seconds while Catarina took in the scene and rushed forward. She chose the side that Maryse was on to kneel by Alec, so Magnus didn’t have to go anywhere, but if she was expecting his aid, this was going to be even more difficult.

 

Before saying anything, her hand were aglow and running over Alec’s chest, intensifying closer to the wound. Her eyebrows were held in an unchanging frown, but he could see her hands moving more erratically than he was used to. That was no surprise, the severity was obvious, but to have that confirmed by a woman of medicine made it even worse.

 

Alec’s eyes scrunched up as she probed and assessed, a life sign that Magnus was guiltily thankful for, but released as she switched to temporary soothing magic. He got so still.

 

Magnus fixed his eyes on Catarina’s, needing to know if it was already too late.

 

“He needs transporting. There are ingredients in your loft I can use. I need all the strength I can get, have you none left even for just a portal?” She spoke succinctly. He shook his head once with tight lips. She was going to kill him when he told her.

 

“Take my strength” Maryse volunteered quickly, coming forward to kneel again. Her fingers ran through her boy’s hair. Magnus saw Cat’s eyes flick to Maryse’s runeless body, clearly thinking the same as Magnus had done, but gave a small nod anyway.

 

With one hand still hovering over Alec's chest, Cat used the other to cast the spell for a portal, and once it had formed, pulled it through the alley over them. They were instantly surrounded by warmth and light, and Magnus took a morbid second to appreciate that should the worst happen, at least his Alexander wouldn't die in the dirt.

 

This had to work


	3. Waiting

As soon as the portal had dissipated Cat was on her feet.

 

“Clear that” She ordered, pointing at Magnus’ desk of bottles and books. He almost snapped his fingers to send them neatly back to their shelves before he remembered. He blinked, before taking an arm and sweeping it across the surface, pushing the ancient texts roughly onto the floor, uncaring as the decades, even centuries old pages folded irreparably. The bottles he grabbed by the neck and dumped on the nearest surfaces he could see, not looking back when they spilled.

 

He turned to see Cat magically lifting Alec’s body onto the table while she returned from her scouting mission, with a handful of obscure ingredients. She thrust them at Magnus and called back her magic to run over Alec once more, in what Magnus recognised only as stabilising

 

“What are you waiting for? Take the arrow out now!” Maryse asked desperately. Magnus had already started on the elixir Cat needed. Maybe he didn’t have the magic that would complete the skill, but he knew many recipes without even needing it to guide him, and this particular one had come in very useful since he’s had the pleasure of becoming so involved in Shadowhunter survival tactics.

 

“I can’t” Cat replied, briefly but patiently. Her doctor mode paying off. “The angelic power in the arrow means it’s not so simply treated as a wound from a mundane arrow would be. They didn’t design these things to be so easily destroyed by Downworlder magic. That potion will weaken it enough for me to snap the shaft, and reduce the size and shape of arrow head inside his chest cavity so I can pull it backwards, rather than have to push it all the way through to the other side.”

 

Her words were clinical but even she couldn’t suppress the grimace as she thought of that option. She doubted the manoeuvre would even have been possible, it’s positioning seemed to be one that would puncture something very important if it had been pushed any further. But pulling it back would also cause too much trauma, as what was left of the tissue was ripped away by force. No, the potion was the only option. Hopefully after the arrow was out the biggest obstacle would be gone.

 

Magnus was almost done, slower than was normal as his fingers kept slipping at all the wrong times, but he could do this in his sleep

 

One last flick and…

 

Nothing

 

“Hey” Cat called gently, hand out ready for the bowl Magnus was holding his useless hands over. While keeping one hovering over Alec, she completed the potion with the other and it began to steam. She carefully angled the lip, so it would run directly over the arrow, coating the shaft. She lowered the container, so the rest flowed directly into the gash. Attracted to the metal, the liquid would burn away at it to dull the sharp angles and narrow it down, but unfortunately Alec’s body was not immune to that same burning.

 

Magnus was crushed by a different kind of pain when the screaming started, less of a hopeless, quiet terror and more of a bone-deep sickness at now being able to hear the suffering that Alec had been feeling all this time.

 

Cat was shaking with tension as she tried to hold Alec still on the bed. She was having to restrict his chest movements so his screams wouldn’t disturb the arrow while it was still inside him and damage more tissue, so the noises were coming out even more strangled and broken.

 

“Put him under” Maryse called, struggling right there along side Alec, “Just knock him out”

 

“This is him knocked out” Magnus answered for her, having recognised the shade of magic that signified inducing sleep and comas. “His pain is surpassing her abilities to render him unconscious while they’re divided between pain relief, maintaining vitals, decreasing blood loss and monitoring the arrow progress.”

 

Though reciting what was happening, as if he was right there helping her along with it all, in reality all he was doing was standing doing nothing. She was going to exhaust herself pretty soon, and Alec was so far gone he didn’t know if she would make it through. Even with the two of them it would still have been risky to assume both warlocks would have the strength for this. Cat was the best warlock medic he knew, and the arrow hadn’t even gone all that deep, but the time elapsed between event and intervention would be the deciding factor here, and magic was not the same as miracles.

 

“Use me” Maryse repeated for the third time that evening. Like Magnus, she was yearning to be able to do _something_ to help. But like Magnus, there was nothing she could do.

  
“Your mundane strength isn’t enough, I’m sorry” Cat told her, effort now showing in her voice. She hadn’t even started the active healing yet.

 

She wasn’t going to make it, Magnus realised with dread.

 

Beside him, Maryse stood ashen. Her past mistakes catching up with her once more. In that moment, she looked as if she would undo the past 20 years of her life if it meant she still had the runes to help her son now.

 

She turned, and Magnus thought the emotion had gotten too much. In fact, she was pulling out her phone. Calling the kids, of course! Cat could use Izzy or Clary’s strength, if they had any left that is. That’s assuming they had survived Lilith. He didn’t dare consider the alternative.

 

Of course the universe couldn’t be so obliging

A few clipped sentences later and Maryse returned the phone to her pocket.

 

“Clary’s dead” Maryse stated blankly, not out of cruelty but out of shock. Her eyes fell back on Alec and didn’t leave.

 

So they were on their way, just minus Biscuit.

 

That one was going to sting whenever Magnus could decipher what the words meant.

 

Catarina looked up for a second to gauge Magnus’ reaction, but her face remained impassive when she saw he was unable to process the news – one less problem to deal with. She looked back to her patient and inspected the arrow. She had to weigh the delicate balance between moving too early and draining her magic snapping an angelic weapon and not having any energy to continue or waiting too long and risking him slip too far for her to reach. Going with her gut, she decided she had to go now.

 

“You two, you’re going to have to physically hold him down while I extract the arrow” she directed, shifting to allow them in. “He’s going to be powerful, but you keep him on the table or his exit wound is going to be even harder to fix up”

 

She let them get into position

 

“Go”

 

The blue magic shifted to be concentrated only on the arrow and without the restriction, Alec was free to scream again. It passed right through Magnus, igniting every cell with a sense of _wrong_. He rarely heard this level of pain from the Shadowhunter and he had no doubt that if Alec had been conscious he would have been supressing it a lot better.

 

Cat, already having snapped the shaft, pulled the mangled end of the arrow head out of his body as quickly as she could, discarding it on the surface, and pushing Magnus away to return to her direct healing. The home straight.

 

The worst of the pain over, Alec was back to lying still, breaths less obvious now without the arrow lodged in his chest. Cat however was heaving deep breaths as her magic depleted fast. She’d had no warning for this, and was working alone on a fatal wound, it was a wonder she’d made it this far.

 

“Can’t you help at all?” Maryse turned to Magnus and questioned. She knew she didn’t know enough about magic to understand, but if there was just some reserve he could tap into…?

 

“My magic is gone, Maryse” he answered, not letting himself truly feel the weight of the words. “The price of saving Jace”

 

She gaped at him. Two of her children almost lost to her, both saved at least in part by Magnus. At the cost of his abilities no less. While she had been trying her best to rewrite her life-long beliefs of the inferiority of downworlders in the recent weeks, this turn of events was going to prove a rather effective catalyst. Maybe it would take some time for her to truly realise the reasons why she was so deeply wrong about the downworld, but Magnus had given her back her boys, and with their lives, gained a powerful ally in Maryse Lightwood.

 

Across the table Cat’s magic faltered for a second as her head rose in shock

 

“What?” She asked, eyes wide and disbelieving, and then answered her own outburst, “Asmodeus.”

 

Magnus nodded, not meeting her gaze, hoping his intense focus on Alec would remind her she had more pressing issues than this. Maybe she didn’t have the energy to multitask, or maybe she could see Magnus was just as drained, but she didn’t press. She turned ominously silent and back to Alec, processing the news.

 

They stood in that silence for what felt like endless minutes before company joined them. Heavy, disorganised footsteps preceded their hammering on the door. Not a moment too soon, with Cat breathing like she’d been running for hours yet still with a way to go. Magnus’ hand made an unconscious twirl towards the door, a reflex. He didn’t even realise at first, not until he noticed the two women giving him pained looks. Maryse quickly rose to get the door while Magnus’ face hardened to conceal the shame. He didn’t look at Catarina.

 

Izzy, Jace and Simon entered in quick succession, crossing the room immediately to Alec. They all looked haunted, but no one more than Jace. Still, he was the first one to reach his brother, and the first to wordlessly offer his hand.

 

“I’m so sorry Jace. Lilith’s magic still runs through you, I can’t draw on your powers if her toxicity lingers, and I don’t have time to check.” Cat huffed, sympathetic as always despite her immense fatigue. Unable to offer anything more, she held a trembling hand out to Izzy, who quietly moved in to take it.

 

Jace’s face just dropped, and Maryse didn’t hesitate to scoop him into her arms in a gesture unlike any Magnus had ever seen from her. For a moment, Jace wrapped his arms around her, as if she was the only thing keeping him from going under, but after a few progressively deeper breaths, he raised his head again. One couldn’t call it composure, anybody could he was a breakdown waiting to happen, teetering just far enough below the surface that he could last until he knew what was going to happen to his parabati. The very last straw.

 

Cat’s magic had already intensified with Izzy’s strength helping her along, and she looked much more stable now. He knew from experience the lungs were tricky business to heal, and anything in the chest had to be dealt with with extreme care, but having gotten this far, the air sparked with whispers of hope.

 

Simon stood on the outskirts of the group, and Magnus could see he was here in body but not in mind. He was staring at nothing, and even vampires weren’t meant to be this pale. He didn’t even notice when Magnus stepped closer to him and only turned when he felt a comforting hand on his arm. Magnus may have known Clary for a long time, but it was nothing like what Simon had lost, a constant, by his side for his whole life. They had failed as lovers and it had only made their friendship stronger, there was nothing they hadn’t seen through together. Romantic love, platonic love, it was all the same deep down, and Simon had just lost his soulmate, his Alec.

 

“Luke’s out there looking for her” Simon said, voice cracking when he said ‘her’. “If there was any chance I thought she was out there I’d be there too but…” he swallowed. “Lilith took a shot at me, and the mark deflected it or whatever. There was a bit of a delayed reaction but, we got her. I was hanging out the window, but Clary… The explosion… she was… There was nothing left… it was just rubble, she’s…” Simon struggled over his words, breaths coming short as he remembered. Magnus grabbed him more firmly to guide him to the floor as his legs gave out, and knelt with him while he arranged himself to put his head between his legs and ride it out. They were all so broken.

 

They were so young to be facing grief like this. To have the lives of a whole city in your hands and make that choice between saving millions and saving the people you love. Shadowhunters died young, an indisputable fact that left Magnus dreading every day Alec left for work, and fearing to answer every phone call when they were separated in case that would be the one that was going to tell him Alec wasn’t coming home.

 

They had to live every day knowing they may well lose their team in the field, even their family. But the immortals stupid enough to love them had to live for an eternity after they were gone, and face that loss every, single, day.

 

Magnus prayed Luke find something, some trace, some hope. For Simon, and Jace, for everyone.

 

He prayed it wasn’t too much to ask not to lose two of them tonight.


	4. Maryse

Time dragged and Magnus rubbed circles on Simon’s back. Jace stood with Maryse in parade rest and Izzy’s feet were planted firmly to try and offset the swaying she couldn’t help now her own energy was dwindling.

 

Nothing changed, until suddenly, the hums and hisses of magic cut off without warning. All eyes turned to Cat. Magnus stumbled as he stood too quickly.

 

“I’m a doctor, I don’t make promises. But I think he’s going to be alright.” She said, managing to fill her voice with warmth in defiance of it all. Smiling in relief, she stepped away from the table to allow the family to gather, marvelling how much better the wound looked now. The scarring, which Cat couldn’t fix due to its angelic nature, would heal in its own time thanks to Alec’s angel blood, but no mark could mar the reprieve that came from seeing Alec sleeping peacefully, breathing on his own. Even his wrist looked to be healed, lying straight down by his side just like his other one. Cat was a miracle worker.

 

Magnus and Izzy on his left, Maryse next to Jace on his right, for a short time they could just be, together and safe. Magnus and Maryse stroked the hand they could reach while Izzy slid her fingers through his hair.

 

Finally, Maryse took hold of Izzy, whose eyelids drooping of exhaustion of their own accord, and led her to the coach to lay down. She was out like a light.

 

Next up was Simon. Maryse crouched down beside him and Cat, who’d chosen there to sit and catch her breath. She asked him if he wanted her to call someone to come get him, but her words made the boy even more rigid, making Maryse realise he might not even have a family since his unfortunate introduction to the downworld. So as with her daughter, she stood him on his feet and led him to the second couch, where he fell heavily, at least somewhere more comfortable. It was probably for the best he stayed anyway, no one else could ever understand what he'd been through tonight.

 

Watching this all with soft eyes, Cat held up a hand when Maryse turned to her.

 

“No need to mother-hen me too Maryse. You’re lucky I had a babysitter over tonight, I can stay and be here if he needs me again. I’ll be in the guest room.” She said smoothly, rising carefully and disappearing behind the bedroom door.

 

Three down, one to go.

 

“Jace” She ventured carefully, breaking his dead-eyed reverie. Magnus may have returned her son, but Maryse couldn’t bear to wonder how much of her son was left. He’d murdered, and injured, and lied to everyone he holds dear. Such long term and powerful possession was little studied and poorly understood, but short term possession was damaging enough, having seen two of her other children have to live through the same pain. He was going to need her, need all of them, more than he ever had before after this, and she’d be damned if she was ever going to fail him again.

 

“Jace, come with me” she commanded, not harshly, but with purpose. If he needed someone to take the lead in his recovery then it was going to start here, with a few hours of rest. As she’d expected, he acquiesced almost immediately, the dilemma between needing to stay by Alec and hating himself more with every second he looked at what he’d done, resolved by Maryse’s tone. Slowly, eyes on the ground, he followed her to another bedroom.

 

She sat him on the double bed in the middle of the room and untied his shoes and put them neatly by the cupboard. Then came off the heavy leather jacket and gloves. Maryse wanted to throw everything he’d been wearing during his time as the Owl in the incinerator, but even if she had been inclined to go searching the apartment for spare clothes Alec was sure to keep here, Jace didn’t look like he had enough minutes of consciousness left to cooperate.

 

Folding back the sheets, allowed the boy to climb underneath, and wrapped them tightly back around him. She’d not done this since he was 10 years old. His eyes stayed open when she leaned down to kiss his forehead. She believed he’d give in to sleep before long, his brain would realise he was safe now, and take its first break in days. Rising from the bed, her sights set on Magnus, she was stopped from her exit by a small voice.

 

“Stay. Stay with me” Jace pleaded. They were some of the first words Maryse had heard from her boy in days, and if she hadn’t been looking directly at him she would never have paired the ragged, raw voice with the Jace she knew. She leant back down and brushed the hair from his face.

 

“Of course.” She promised. “I’ll be right back”

 

Slipping back into the living room, she made eye contact with Magnus, steadfast by Alec.

 

“You should get some rest Magnus. I may not be a warlock or a medic, but I don’t think Alec’s going to be waking up any time soon. You should rest while you can, we don’t know what’ll come for us tomorrow” Maryse said, the soldier in her coming to the surface. Of course she didn’t want him waking up alone, but he was trained, he’d understand everyone else needed their rest too.

 

“What else could there possibly be after this?” Magnus replied with a sad smile. “We almost lost him. If I'd been five seconds later, and I would have been holding a corpse. I’m not going anywhere.”

 

Nodding, Maryse walked over to the kitchen and grabbed one of the chairs. She brought it down beside Magnus, and he gratefully took a seat, yet still managing not to move any further from Alec. She looked him straight in the eye.

 

“Thank you, Magnus Bane” She said simply, and after a long moment, she returned to the bedroom and shut the door behind her.


	5. Chapter 5

Silence lay heavy as time passed. Magnus’ posture sunk little by little as the night passed with no sign of consciousness from Alec. Through drooping eyes Magnus fought against compounded hours of wakefulness and worked against his body craving rest. What if he stopped breathing, unbeknownst to a soundly sleeping Magnus just inches away. He could practically feel the bags weighing down on his cheeks but there was no chance of quitting his vigil

 

There remained a point of contact at all times, interlinked fingers, a hand on the heart, a gentle hair brush – anything to reassure Magnus that he was real and warm and truly okay. It still didn’t sit right that this man that was made of muscle and strength could be so vulnerable

 

Another problem the stretch of solitude presented was the space alone with his thoughts. They may have won the battle, but the cost had been great. Magnus was aware the bone-deep hollowness was not all tiredness, nor even a consequence of the fear for his lover, but rooted in a far more sinister cause. Who was he now, without magic. He wondered what colour his eyes were now, and wished he had the energy or the will to get up and investigate, but the thought of parting with the makeshift bed made him feel nauseous, so it was filed for later with the many other questions he had.

 

Oh Catarina. She didn’t deserve to find out that way. Losing Ragnor so suddenly had left a deep wound, one that they had been tending to together to honour the life of their friend. Immortality could be a curse when it came to not appreciating the time granted, a warlock had no way to guess how long that time would be, and with an eternal natural lifespan, it being cut short so brutally would never get easier. An endless battle with the clave, and living through the time of Valentine had left them wary, but for Ragnor to fall victim to that had been devastating. For Magnus to watch, and even, right or wrong, bear responsibility for that death…

 

And with this new development, Catarina would soon realise she was living on borrowed time with her last dearest friend. A mortal lifetime may be sufficient for a shadowhunter, but for Cat it would pass in the blink of an eye, and thereafter lie an interminable grief, one which would dull over time but never mute entirely. If their roles had been reversed, Magnus couldn’t bear to think of knowing he would have to watch Cat age and slowly approach her death. He’d be angry. How dare she leave him.

 

He dread to imagine how she would process the news now the emergency had passed. After the exertion she was sure to be sleeping now, but soon she would emerge from her room and Magnus would have to face the consequences of choosing to give up a life with Cat in exchange for whatever length of a life he would obtain beside a shadowhunter.

 

“You better take your time recovering Alexander, because as soon as you have that woman is going to tear me a new one you would not believe she could manage until you see it.” He murmured. Realising what he just said he let out a sigh and raised their linked hands to his temple to lean on so he could watch for any reaction. “Scratch that. If you wake up right now I’d deal with anything she throws at me with no complaint.”

 

But no reaction came. He hadn’t really been expecting one. Alec may be a light sleeper, but after a long patrol, his ability to lie in even rivalled Magnus’ occasionally, and this evening probably ranked a little more strenuous than a late night run in with a few shax demons. But even though Magnus could feel a beating pulse (affirmed by periodical checks), there was no way to be sure they had truly saved him until he looked into Alec’s eyes and witnessed for himself.

 

Every now and again his focus would dip and he was back in the alleyway, imagining finding a still body instead of a struggling one. The lapses became more frequent as the night drew on, and the resulting sudden loss of air needed longer to recover from as the exhaustion increased. Eyes would snap wide awake again in fear, and fall on a pair of joined hands that were not bloody, and a chest rising and falling with more regularity than Magnus could manage.

 

After a particularly bad attack, Magnus laid his head on top of the bed, touching Alec’s ribcage, close enough to allow the steady breaths to still his own trembling ones. It was at that point, he lost his battle against unconsciousness. Maybe, for just a few hours, it was safe to let sleep take him. Sure he would wake with even the slightest movement from Alec, Magnus drifted.


	6. The End

Pain like he’d never known. White and red and black took their turns blinding his vision as the arrow pressed deeper. It tore each choked breath apart in his lungs. The strength of his arm barely holding his attacker back was failing. Not long now.

 

And then the pressure was gone. A familiar voice and a golden light.

 

So this was the dramatic entrance mom had talked about.

 

Alec bit out that much as Magnus skidded over the ground on his knees to him. The man needed a good few seconds before he could manage a reply.

 

“Wise woman.” He commented, with a smile, weak and so fleeting. He gritted his teeth, determined not to make this any worse for Magnus. He was a soldier of the Clave after all, he’d trained for the day he was to die all his life.

 

His vision blurred, but through the haze he could recoginse Jace had joined them, the real Jace, and despite the desperation of his condition, knowing it had been enough to save his brother almost made it worth it. Had he not been dying in the arms of his lover he could have missed out the ‘almost’. He thinks he told Jace he was forgiven again, after all, he was the one who was going to have to live with this, Alec got the easy way out.

 

And once more it was just he and Magnus, his angel hovering above him, he couldn’t have wished for a better view. He loved him so much. It broke his heart that he was going to have to leave him. He loved him so much. So much. So tired.

 

The black was too heavy. The pain was fading now, leaving numbness. He knew that meant it was nearly time. And then he stopped knowing anything.

 

Magnus’ screams accompanied him to the end.


	7. Onward

When he opened his eyes, he was looking at the ceiling of the loft. It was that perfect time of the morning when the sun slipped through the sheer drapes in just the right way to bathe the whole room in a golden light. Alec always loved this time the most, because if he was in the loft at this hour, it meant he had gotten to lie in bed with Magnus rather than abandon him for the institute. Good things only followed a day that began like that

 

Except this wasn’t the bedroom. And the solid surface upon which he laid was certainly not their bed. His head felt cloudy, but not in a concerning way. In fact, he felt artificially light. He took a mental rundown of his body and found one of his hands was otherwise occupied.

 

It took some effort for him to raise his head from the platform to investigate, but when he did he found Magnus. Half sat on one of the kitchen chairs, half slumped across a fraction of the slab he shared with Alec, all Alec could see were spikes of black hair, a far cry from its usual coiffured style, but no less like perfection, though he might be biased. The upper half of his body was slouched as close as it could be to Alec’s. His hand somehow grasped tightly even in sleep. Alec gave it a squeeze to ground himself. As loathe as he was to disturb him, it couldn’t be comfortable, and Alec was too confused to go without explanation. It wasn’t the first time he’d woken up with no memory of how he’d gotten somewhere, but that somewhere was usually the infirmary.

 

“Magnus” he tried, but his voice cracked so badly it could barely be described as more than a jagged whisper. A dash of dry soreness raked his throat with the attempt. His eyes blinked hard involuntarily at the pain, and when he opened them again, he was looking into Magnus’ eyes instead of at the top of his head.

 

“Alec” Magnus’ face was the picture of fear. His mouth hung slightly agape, framed by new stubble that hadn’t been there when he’d left for Edom. Deep, purple bags dragged down his eyes. Disturbed from his sleep, he had a wild look about him, and he wouldn’t stop staring. Alec waited.

 

“Alec oh my God Alec” came another broken exhale. Roughly pushing the chair out from under himself he leaned in closer. The hand not holding Alec’s came around the cup his face while his eyes scanned over his prone body for any signs of discomfort. Apparently seeing none, the focus was back on his face. Magnus looked very ill. It was scaring Alec. Things were dark and uncertain, but the events of the night before were coming back to him in brief visions.

 

Jace, the Owl. The arrow, piercing his flesh with a heavenly efficiency, his parabati wielding the weapon. His wrist, broken for sure.

 

And yet here he was, lying in the light of a new day he was sure he would never see, a healed wrist in Magnus’ unwavering grip, breaths being drawn as smoothly as ever before. He was… confused. Alec was alarmed to hear the beginnings of hyperventilation from Magnus.

 

“Hey, Magnus.” Alec said, making sure he had his attention, holding steady eye contact once he’d rolled onto his side slightly to get a better view. “I’m alright. Look at me, I’m alright.”

 

He took their joined hands and laid them over his heart. He pressed Magnus’ palm into the strong beat, remembering how grounding it had been when Izzy had done it once when they were younger after she’d been badly hurt training.

 

It was working. Magnus hadn’t taken his eyes off Alec, but he’d made the effort to keep in time with Alec’s steady inhales and exhales.

 

“We nearly lost you.” Magnus said quietly. After a second he tagged on a slightly bitter, “Again.”

 

Alec didn’t know what to say. He couldn’t apologise, it would only seem like an empty gesture when he returned to the field as soon as he was able. He still barely knew what happened.

 

“I was too late, Alec.” He bit out with anguish, averting his gaze for the first time since he’d woken, “the Owl was knelt over you and I thought” he paused for a short breath “you looked dead already. It’s hard enough to have to heal you unconscious or see the aftermath when they cart you into the infirmary and someone finally calls me, but you were in my _arms_ Alec. You were taking your last breaths in the street and there was absolutely nothing I could do.”

 

Magnus’ head bowed, no doubt to hide the tears which were sure to be accompanying the breaks in his voice.

 

“Sheer luck… Maryse. She had a phone, I called Cat. She was the one who healed you.”

 

Magnus could barely talk about it, and yet Alec could sense there was so much more he wanted to say. There would be plenty of time for that later though. Right now, the most important item on the agenda was bringing Magnus back to ground. It wasn’t safe for them both to be so vulnerable when they might still have Lilith’s target on their backs. A touch to Magnus’ chest seemed to bring him back to the present with a jolt.

 

“Thank you” Alec said softly, but Magnus’ face twisted in confusion, with a hint of disgust.

 

“Don’t you understand. I didn’t do anything. My powers are gone Alec” He said sharply “If it had been anyone else there in my place it wouldn’t have gotten nearly so dire. Cat could have stabilised you there and then, Izzy would have carried you to her if all else failed. Even a mundane would have been carrying a phone.” He finished with a snarl. Alec knew what it was to shoulder sole blame where it should be spread, and so also knew how important it was to hear reason at such times.

 

“Most mundanes wouldn’t have just come back from a trip to hell to visit their King demon of a father to rescue their boyfriend’s possessed parabati” Alec pointed out, words joking but delivered with force. “How could you ever think you are anything but incredible. You gave up your _powers_ , Magnus that’s who you are, I can’t believe…”

 

He had to break off. What could he ever say to properly acknowledge such a sacrifice. A warlock’s magic wasn’t a weapon, or an accessory, it was inherent to their being. That it was even possible to survive without it was new information to Alec. Hints of dread flared in him at what the consequences were going to be.

 

“Did we… I mean, did they.. beat her? What happened after…?”

 

Magnus smiled, a hint of an upturn of lip and a nod.

 

“Lilith is defeated.” He said concisely. In the next second his expression blackened again, privy to information Alec was not.

 

“You can’t really think you did nothing for me back there.” He said flatly, “Your voice...”

 

“I blacked out, thinking ‘this is it’, and you want to know what I was thinking? I would have been okay with it you know, my brother was alright, Lilith was meeting her maker, the city was safe again. Well, as safe as Brooklyn gets. They always teach us to keep fighting, no matter what, but my job was done, and so was I, it hurt so much. But Magnus I couldn’t just leave.” His eyes crinkled in frustration. When he wasn’t making grand, head of the institute speeches he could get rather tongue-tied. “I mean, I couldn’t leave you.”

 

This was no small admittance. As shorter time as the two of them had been involved, Magnus had been firmly reacquainted with the unpredictable, taxing, thrilling passion of love unlike his entire previous century. He wondered at times whether their two experiences, with such different life spans, could ever be equal. How could Alec appreciate how hard Magnus had fallen, if this relationship was the only one he’d ever known?

 

And then, every once in a while, Alec would smooth out all of Magnus’ reservations with a few stumbled over phrases and leave him in awe of how their love has changed them both.

 

This was one of those times.

 

Alec was completely devoted to his family. Even despite the occasional arguments that caused, the slightly divided loyalty that couldn’t be ignored, it was something Magnus adored him for. With that declaration, Alec had put Magnus on that same plane. Alec’s life, in Magnus’ hands.

 

Alec stared at him so intently, with such desperation in his expression, as if the intensity could will him into belief. It wasn’t meant to be this way round, the comforting and reassuring was meant to be in reverse. Magnus’ spared a self-conscious thought for how terrible he must be looking to prompt this treatment.

 

“Hear me Magnus, you saved my life. Again” Alec reiterated, kissing his ringed fingers. Raising his eyes again, he said fiercely, “We will get your magic back, I swear to you”

 

Somehow it was that which drained Magnus the most. He slumped and lowered his lips to Alec’s. They kissed softly. No rush. There was a lot of time ahead of them.

 

“I was so scared.” Magnus whispered into their shared air.

  
“I’m right here.”

 

For now. This time, they were the ones to make it to the end of this fight alive, but their battles were never ending, with Alec in the middle of each one. He may have felt powerless to keep Alec safe before, but with his relegation from the shadow world, he would now be worse than useless. A liability, an easy pressure point. Would there even be enough of Magnus left for Alec to love. He was certain he could never be the weight that held Alec back from anything. The horror that had filled him this last day was just a concentrated version of the dread which lingered as he considered their possible future.

 

But through the heavy haze of tiredness, and the final, true dissipation of adrenaline, Magnus realised Alec was right. For now, and however much longer, he was indeed right here. They were together, holding each other, alive and intact where others dear to them were not. He swore Alec had never seemed so soft and warm (though he swore the same every morning that he was the first to wake)

 

Maybe another Magnus would have thanked the moment, and then let it go with a cheeky smile and a flirty comment, ready to get on with the day. But any version of himself that could bear to let Alec go right now, was not someone Magnus wanted to be.

 

So there they stayed. And when the others in the house began to wake as the sun crossed the room, Alec greeted all in his calming way, hearing everyone’s account of the night. Maryse was the one to report Clary’s loss. If anyone was surprised at Alec’s visible double take, and subsequent quietness, they did not verbalise it.

 

Physically for some, emotionally for all, the recovery from this one was going to be long. But for now, to have Alec back when even that little was uncertain was the hope to which everyone clung. Soldiers knew it was only brushes with death that could genuinely allow for appreciation of life, and, though mindful of their losses, that gratitude would be what would carry them through the day. And the next.

 

Alec did not let go of Magnus

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This should not have taken me so long to finish. Writing is not something I do a lot, but the finale had me feeling a lot of feelings. While I am a terrible person for not replying to everyone's comments know that I definitely would not have brought myself to finish this without you, thank you for keeping me going.  
> I wanted to get this out there so it is finally finished but it's really late and I can't edit it right now, I'll try go over it tomorrow, but if you read it before then, forgive me!
> 
> Happy reading, love to all x


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